


Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson

by FuchsiaMae



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Capitalism, Christmas, F/M, Happy Holidays from Aperture Labs, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2019-08-20 02:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16547300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuchsiaMae/pseuds/FuchsiaMae
Summary: Caroline teaches her boss the meaning of Christmas. In rhyme.(Originally posted to Tumblr 12/31/15)





	Merry Christmas, Mr. Johnson

‘Twas the first of December, and all nation-wide  
Every window and fireside glowed with good cheer.  
“Just twenty-five days until Christmas!” they cried,  
And readied for Santa Claus soon to be here.

Stockings were hung by the chimneys with care,  
And wreaths upon doorways, all done up with lights.  
Carols were sung in each village square,  
And merriment lit up the darkest of nights. 

Once-naughty children said “thank you” and “please,”  
And those on the “Nice” list tried hard not to blow it,  
As overhead icicles started to freeze –  
But at Aperture Science, you never would know it. 

No sign of the season was there to be found:  
No tinsel, no ornaments, no mistletoe,  
No frosted-up windows so deep underground,  
No sleigh bells or carols, not one flake of snow.

No, nothing down there was the slightest bit cheery,  
Not even a smile on one downcast face.  
And why, you may ask, was the office so dreary?  
Let Cave Johnson tell you, 'cause he owned the place. 

“I’ve had quite enough of this holiday cheer!  
I don’t give a damn how much the kids love it,  
It’s nonsense! I’m running a business, d'you hear?  
Just lemme tell Santa Claus where he can shove it.

No you don’t get a bonus, and no paid vacation!  
Use your sick leave if you wanna stay home so bad.  
This Christmas crap slows down the whole operation!  
You bet when it’s over I’m gonna be glad.”

Like a regular Scrooge, he grumbled and scowled.  
“A little cold weather is no cause to shirk.  
No Christmas, that’s final! We’re done here,” he growled.  
“C'mon Caroline, we’ve gotta get back to work.”

And with Caroline, faithful assistant, in tow,  
Then back to his dismal old office he skulked,  
Slamming the door as they all watched him go,  
And he sat in his chair, and he frowned, and he sulked.

But Caroline smiled as she watched her boss stew  
(For Caroline, see, was just terribly smart) –  
Oh yes, she had a plan. She knew just what to do,  
And as all planners should, she knew just where to start.

“Mr. Johnson,” she said, in a voice sweet as cream,  
And quivered her lip in a cute little pout,  
“I don’t want to bother you, but it would seem  
I’m stuck in some trouble. Would you help me out?”

“What’s wrong, kid?” he asked her, and drying her eye  
She said, “Christmas is soon, sir, just look at the date.  
My shopping’s not done! I’ve still presents to buy –   
And I must mail them now, or they’re sure to be late.”

“It’s only the first,” said he, frowning again,  
But she had an answer for that question, too:  
“They’re for my Aunt Tilly and my Uncle Ben,  
Who live in Australia, in Woolloomooloo.

The mail takes so long, and they’re so far away,  
And with detours and weather, if I’m to be sure   
They’re delivered on time, I must mail them today.”  
She finished, quite sad, “May I go to the store?”

Now, Cave did no favors for his employees,  
But she was more useful by far than the rest.  
He’d have none of them if they begged on their knees,  
But she was his favorite, for she was the best. 

“Sure, kiddo, I’ll drive you,” he said with a smile,  
And off they both raced to the car straightaway.   
He drove right into town, and she thought all the while  
Of which store would have the best Christmas display.

 _I’ll show Mr. Johnson some real Christmas spirit_ ,  
She thought, with a secretive grin on her face.  
_And I know a way that he’ll be sure to hear it –_  
“Stop here, sir!” she cried. “Yes, this is the place.”

For there on the corner, its windows agleam,  
All done up in tinsel and sparkling with lights,  
A department store stood like a childhood dream,  
Its shelves laden heavy with Christmas delights.

She jumped from the car, and she tugged at his hand,  
And grumbling and groaning he followed along  
As together they stepped into shining Toyland,  
With legions of shoppers swept up in the throng.

Toy soldiers in troops stood in neat rank and file,  
Toy bi-planes and tri-planes above them on threads;  
Each clown’s face was painted; each doll wore a smile,  
All set to be tucked with a child into bed.

The choo-choos, they chugged; the whistles, they tweeted;  
The teddy bears stood five feet tall if an inch;  
The submarines glugged as the baby-dolls bleated,  
And Cave looked as mean and as green as the Grinch. 

“Just look at this junk! What a waste! What a sham!  
From Santa Claus now to the damn Easter Bunny –  
And think what they spend on this holiday scam!”  
“Exactly,” said Caroline. “ _Think of the money_.”

“The money?” scoffed he. “Sure, the money they blow  
On rinky-dink trinkets and knick-knacks for show.”  
But Caroline asked, like a girl in the know,  
“Well yes, sir, but where, sir, does that money _go?_ ”

“I suppose that it goes to the shop till, of course.”  
“And where else from there, sir? Who stands to collect?  
Stock comes from suppliers, the shop pays the source –  
On the day after Christmas, that’s one big fat check.

With each penny spent here, somebody gets rich.  
It’s a nation-wide shopping spree – profits are sure!  
That’s what I call a present,” she finished her pitch.  
“The true Christmas spirit’s in  _buying things_ , sir.”

As she spoke, his eyes glazed with a faraway sheen,  
Which told her for certain her words did the trick,  
And he said, slow and thoughtful, “I see what you mean,”  
And he smiled so bright that he might be Saint Nick. 

“What if we got in on this holiday racket?  
The warehouse is full of old science-y crap  
That’d make some great gifts if we knew how to pack it.  
Our Aperture boys could make toys in a snap!

Yeah, an Aperture Christmas. We’ll give it a shot!  
We could stock the whole country with all that we’ve got.  
And we’ll celebrate – gifts, decorations, the lot.”  
“Are you sure, sir?” she asked, and her boss laughed, “Why not!

Grab a few of those baubles – the orange and blue – ”  
He filled up his arms as he chuckled with glee  
“And some of that tinsel, and those garlands, too,  
And something big – hey! That aluminum tree!”

They loaded his car 'til it could hold no more,  
And on the drive back they discussed purely business.  
At Aperture Science, Cave burst in the door,  
And startled them all with a shout: “Merry Christmas!

Just one month to go, people! Let’s get right to it!  
There’s sellers to contact and products to ship!  
I know it’s short notice, but our team can do it!”  
But then he remembered the point of their trip.

“Did you get to shop for your aunt or whoever?”  
But Caroline blushed. “Well, that wasn’t quite true.”  
She said, looking sly, for she felt oh so clever,  
“I don’t have an aunt. I bought something for you!”

She kissed his cheek once, and then kissed it twice,  
And his face lit up ruddy as Rudolph’s red nose  
As she said, “Now sir, isn’t this Christmas thing nice?”  
He smiled almost bashfully. “Yeah, I suppose.”

And then he took off like a bullhorn of cheer,  
Booming, “Let’s make this Christmas a year to remember!  
We’ll work double-time for this season, you hear?  
And next year, doggone it, we’ll start in September!”

Then Caroline smiled and knew all was right  
As she watched her boss preach to each lab tech and clerk,  
And she heard him exclaim as he strode out of sight,  
“Merry Christmas to all – now let’s get to work!”


End file.
